me: I only really wish that I am stronger than this

I wish that I am richer than you.
I wish that I am happier than you.
I wish that I am healthier than you. Do you feel the same way too?

I wish we are born knowing what to do, who to marry, when to die and how to live.
I wish I know what to do better than what I am doing now.
I wish this life was mine

I wish there is the F1 button for this.
I wish to know who wrote the operating manual for this

;)

Can I keep count, now?

6.6 bil people in the world

There is 6.6bil people in the world and jumping by an increament of 3 every second. There is 4.4 mil people in the country where I live now.

It is crowded and lonely at the same time. The urban disease.

I really should have slapped him last night.

me: developing a phobia

Telephonophobia - Fear of telephones.

This is with particular reference to my mobile phone and is not withholding to anyone including, family and loved ones. Please don't call me anymore as I am switching lines to mental telepathy. If you really really need to speak with me, I'll call you naturally. I have good senses. Free incoming calls for you too - win-win situation.

me: I-not-ready-for-the-world-day

Drifted into a sleep of pure exhaustion and frustration and then I got awaken almost immediately. I kept waking up again and again, from a seemingly deep sleep. But each time, it was only less than a hour apart from each other.

When the sun finally rose, it was raining mightily which implicates a project of mine currently being in the process. My psyche broke and I burried myself deeper into my bed and decided that I am not ready for the world today.

Today I give myself the permission to "fall apart" when I need to.

We don't always have to be strong to be strong.

travel: TW, 5 June (follow-up)

You have seen the same shot in sepia in the previous post;
The following is the photo of the original and a very clever picture done up by my travel companion.
The same picture, the same place - through different eyes and different expressions.
- Shifen, Ruifang, Taiwan June 2006

travel: TW, 5 June

The whole trip was highly anticipated for many reasons:

- Landmark travel as a final destination to complete my Greater China exposure. The last of the Greater China under my belt at last!

- Highlight a completion of my first job and before joining the family affray.

- Home-stay experience plus a local friend as guide and a fellow traveling companion.

The food was great, the company was fantastic and it totally injected the love of travel back into me a bit. We did the tourist like things of photo-snappy, share bits of street food - buying and eating, then eating again!

I like the way Taiwanese describe things, they have an interesting vocabulary and there are 2 words I like in particular: 十分 and 非常. They both mean "very", "perfect" or "extreme". At one point in the past, I remember a 非常台湾. So it was very strange then to find a "十分车站" along the railway tracks in 瑞芳 - Ruifang (a small town outside of Taipei). The sepia photo to the right, is an exact of a postcard they were trying to sell at NT$100. Ha. As if we'll pay that!

Oh, the third picture is one of the many views I enjoy on the train with my head stuck out of the window. The wind howling by your ears, the scenary zipping from green to brown and then suddenly all black as you enter the tunnel. It was great great fun!

There are more tourist-y pictures I won't be posting - such as our visits to 九份 (Jiufeng) and the Taipei 101 and the over-dose of Hello Kitty etc. These are the run-of-mill ones that you'll see when you are next in Taipei. The homes-stay experience was amazing and the Taiwanese are generally very welcoming to guests. I thank you all that took care of us. And funnily, I do miss the that family.

Some regrets: that although the shopping was very interesting, it was way too expensive to be pleasurable; and that we did not plan our time better to include central/ southern Taiwan.
So, again, again!

travel: HK, 13 May

There are some cities to grow up in, some to make a living in and others to romance and relax in. My personnel list of such cities is almost endless, and I have been relatively lucky, in my short life, to have experience a good number of them. To me, I have marked 2 cities to establish that I have made it in my career life: Hong Kong and New York City.

New York City: 5 days in Apr 2000
Hong Kong: half of 2003; and unknowingly, every year hence in 2004, 2005 and 2006 again - even for a day trip, I cannot resist crossing over to Hong Kong just for the sake of seeing the familiar sights, the language spoken and the whole buzz on the streets.

My shop-savvy local friend discovered this in HK during my 2006 visit there. This girlfriend of mine bought 9 pairs of shoes in a 5 day whirlwind attack of HK. I have completely taken my hat off her...

Hong Kong Industrial Centre - a wholesale, trading and manufacturing garment factory site
How to get there: MTR; Tsuen Wan Line - Lai Chi Kok Station Exit C

So it was a former boring wholesale, trading and manufacturing garment factory site, but some smart one established a gazzilion little stores on the lower floors now vying for retail business. There were shoe shops, Korean fashion, fantasy jeans and etc. It was a shopping girl/ bargain hunters' dream materialising.

In reality, quite a number of shops there remain true to its wholesale and trading roots, so they will put out signs "not for retail". Think about it, at least 50-70% of all so those nice street clothes in your city probably passed thru' these HKers one point another. Just a FYI, this failure of all womanhood walked away without buying a single item. I was simply overwhelmed ><

Deliciously spent...

I hope you were thinking naughty. But, "deliciously spent" was how I was feeling after a 7.30am session of yoga before work last Friday. Had several more of this same feeling over the weekend and one of them involved a 20 lap (40min) swim at my club this morning. Ahh. It was a nice feeling - having my body feel stretched and well-used, maybe like a car pushing itself beyond the imposed speed limits. I like it and want more of it.

One of the better weekends

Every year, there's a particular weekend that I'll be looking forward to and this year's no exception. As usual, I had a blast. Am sharing the details via photos -

Aside from the (group) celebration with my collegues at Krabi last week, my birthday weekend officially started on Fri afternoon (Apr 28) when I got a first slice of 4-leaves chocolate birthday cake and a present from one of my casuals! Very unexpected.

Buffet Japanese dinner "with more than 100 items to choose from" - my friend counted and there were 101 items on the menu -_-

While I was subjected to a bit of chores, the highlight and lowlights of the birthday weekend was at Ministry of Sound (MOS) on Saturday. 2 shots of tequila and then 3 shots of that nice pink liquid there. "Sex on the Beach". The lowlights include being bent double over a road barricade in the middle of no where heaving my stomach out. Apparently there were several other similiar incidents for the rest of the night, but nah - you won't be interested to know.

Found a lovely bouquet of flowers on my table the next morning. Then had my second buffet for lunch - my stomach protested. To think I was nearly invited out for my THIRD buffet. Spent the rest of the evening with my childhood friends. Had steaks, jazz, wine and fantastic company.

One of the more interesting presents this year - a CAPSULE MACHINE. $1 per play.

Thank you for the great weekend. And yes, I am happy to be a quarter of a century old.

travel: Weekend in Krabi, TH

It was a company get away at the beachside town of Krabi, southern Thailand. I enjoyed myself.

This was despite the challenge of remaining positive amidst all my colleagues, especially since that my heart's long left them way back in March.

My roomie did a tarot card reading session for me. It was her first reading for someone else. I was startled by its accuracy - not only the cards that were picked - which were mostly in the suite of cups and wands, but also in their positions which provides the spatial and time dimensions. Some cards were the "3 0f wards", "ace 0f cups" and the 8 0f cups". I strongly related to "9 0f sw0rds" in the position of future obstacles. Most of everything can be summarised as 1) anticipating/ managing change 2) positive relationships with the family, romanticism and more importantly, opportunities

But to be fair, having my tarot card reader constantly referring (reading off) to the little attached book should discount the accuracy of the reading a bit!

FYI: Instead of an "insights only" blog, I might switch the tone of this blog as a more regular update of my daily thoughts - each day is so urgent now, I feel like bursting sometimes.

Am I ready? Will I ever be?

Project: Alittlefaith - Positive vibrations

We always ask for tangibles to understand more about the higher power. Usually these tangibles come in the form of miracles and are often selfish. But when unfortunate things happen, we often blame it off at the higher power too. And there are simply too many related swear words to attest to this latter.

I broke my spectacles last night.

This is the second time I broke my spectacles in my 17 years of wearing them. I seldom ever keep a spare as my spectacles are always too expensive and my power degree fluctuations are too extreme.

Have I ever mentioned that my spectacle lens are made of glass and that I drop them off my 2 metre bed every other month for the last couple of years already?

I dropped it off the side of the wash sink in my bathroom. It stemmed from an action which I do twice a day when washing up to and from bed. I was simply devastated and disbeliving.

I reflected in the aftermath and realised that in the hours before the incident, I was brimming with negative vibrations of thoughts and actions. I was already stomping all over the house, flipping switches of all the electronics and in the midst of bashing and climbing up the walls. And in culmination of the entire evening's feelings of fustration, senseless anger and pent up restlessness - I broke down.

Project a little faith: The power of positive vibrations/ The costs of negative vibrations
Monetary costs: US$200+
Time costs: Unimaginable.

I could remain angry, but I (after some reluctance) am choosing to face it, learn the lessons and thank God - for the revelation, the show of faith and how it could have been a whole lot worse. No , I am not even going to think about how much worse, so just run along now and have positive vibrations for the rest of your life now.

me: The real projects for 2006 (2)

Sleep, wake up. Then sleep and wake up again....

Despite all the things that we do everyday, sometimes, when I look back it is rather difficult to remember what differentiates each day or even each year from the other. As the years go by, one year becomes another year - and then what? It was easier while younger, as we had school and every phase there were some rites of passage. But now, what do we have?

So when I was 23, I had promise myself to go to Inner Mongolia at 25 - while I am still working towards that (don't hold your breath on this), I think I will do the project runrun. So, bite my dust, wuzzies. ;)

The marathon is a long-distance road running event of 42.195 km (26.2 miles; 26 miles 385 yards; or 46145 yards). While "impossible is nothing", frankly, the pain is definately going to be "something".
Expected date of completion: 3 Dec/ 9 Dec Sun (2006)
Time of completion: Complusary = 6h and less
Time of completion: Being silly = 4.5 h-5h and less - 21.097 is 2:34h

Some references:
Wikepedia says...
Inspiration (1)

Dictionary.com: Tender

ten·der2 (tndr)
n.

1. A formal offer, as:
1. Law. An offer of money or service in payment of an obligation.
2. A written offer to contract goods or services at a specified cost or rate; a bid.
2. Something, especially money, offered in payment.


tr.v. ten·dered, ten·der·ing, ten·ders

To offer formally: tender a letter of resignation.


[From French tendre, to offer, from Old French, from Latin tendere, to hold forth, extend. See ten- in Indo-European Roots.]

me: The real projects for 2006 (1)

I wouldn't exactly call this a quarterly review, but I guess it is as good a time as any other to take stock of 2006. It is difficult to find time to actually structure this post, so consider this a ramble too -

I wonder what I have taken away from my ~18 months' corporate experience - so if this is project management as I learnt it, I'll just have to use it to get my life out of this rut -

1. Packing - While I do not really need a clear table to use my computer effectively it would be nice if it was tidier as it reflects the user's state of mind. Furthermore, the "broken window" theory applies best to this; as a broken window is a sign of a small act of neligence or offence left uncorrected is fundermental to the whole disfunctionality of a city's violence. This example is taken from the book Tipping Point, using the 1970's New York City as a case example. So, the resolution of my chaotic table is the key to ending my chaotic life. I need storage solutions. I need an expert. Yes - you, this June, you are spending a weekend helping me. This will be known as project meja. If successful, I'll move on to cull my cupboard.

2. Food - Inspiration whispered this evening - "I love food, but why does not food love me back?" Irrtitable bowl syndrome, lactose intolerance etc. whateverer - most food that I used to enjoy are now causing me to puke, poo, pass gas, feel nauseous and just feel exhausted. Just like the experience of Morgan Spurdock in "Supersize Me" - Some food just makes me feel plain lousy.Food should energise, nourish and entertain us, sadly, sometimes after a bad episode, I rather think humans should just photosynthesise than to eat for energy needs. For the case of my family business, food should also provide some good bread aka $.

This is a multi objective project - I am unsure if I should split this up into 3 managable ones, but I will figure this out later. Objectives as follow: (1) Find food that I love who loves me back (2) Differentiate, detail and explore potential of all types of Indonesian crusine (At least 5 distinctive types). Explore spin possibilities (3) Snacks of the world/ AP/ Asean - I have to define this a little more over the next couple of weeks, but for the time being, this project will be known as project oiishi

3. Spiritualism - It would be silly to give God ultimatiums, but I certainly can do with several for myself in this aspect. Since I believe in God, why cannot I recognise Him? He is the strength I have never reached out for - instead I always grab instinctively and blindingly at the loved ones and friends around me all the time. So, for every month of the rest of the year, I will commit to at least one major faith or religion. Whatever you are thinking of me at this moment, STOP IT. I am not THAT stupid to convert just to enter a mosque for a month - so give me some faith while I find mine - project alittlefaith.

This is all work in progress and I am sure that there will be more projects in the pipeline for the rest of the year, but for now, let's just go to sleep (before 0030 every weekday night). Just wish me luck.

Quiz: The 5 Love Languages

Damn, I am not surprised. -_-

The Five Love Languages

My primary love languages are probably
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		7
Physical Touch:		6
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz

Carpe Diem

I learn of this phrase while in high school - from my English Literature class and again from my class mate who was rather into the Dead Poets Society - erm, Ethan Hawke I mean. I learnt it, I know it, but I have yet to practice this day-to-day. And that's what I need to appreciate and enjoy my everyday. Carpe diem is:

Latin for "pluck the day". It is also a term often used in navies as an expression of goodwill. The phrase is metaphorically translated into English as "seize the day".

Robin Williams' character as a teacher of a boys' boarding school in the film Dead Poets Society uses it:

"But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? — Carpe — hear it? —
Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

********

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time
by Robert Herrick

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

photos: roof-top bars

View from a popular roof loof top bar... The nicest things of these pictures was that they were taken on a weekday. The feeling of seeing the sun set on a workday is precious.

me: Kisses from my client

It has been very eventful day this year and each memory brings a little smile now. I'll share one of them here -

I had kisses from my client first thing this morning. Not one, not two... We are talking about a lot a lot of declicious little kisses. The naughtiest thing - I had to share them with my colleagues too. *g

THREE bags full of kisses I lugged back to office - enough for everyone, including you. So Happy Valentine's day too!

Anticipation

It was a ~US$6m lottery draw – the biggest of the year.

It was purely incidental that I was consulting with my fortune teller on the same week. In midst of the reading she interrupted her own sentence to “gift” me with some numbers. I bought those numbers and then some again. Strange how omens are simply innocuous incidences that take prophetic proportions only when one wants them to. So I interpreted everything in my own way while waiting for the draw.

If this was a novel or a play script, I would then get into all sorts of situations while believing that as the future winner of the lottery, all will be resolved in 72 hours. (Un)fortunately, my feet were firmly planted on the ground then. Or as some would know me better, then I must confess that work and other distractions have kept me so occupied that I did not manage to get into other adequate mischief for a decent play script.

However, I was in anticipation the whole time. In fact, I had been so excited over the lottery, I talked about it to my colleagues, to friends, family and even cab drivers. There were so much waiting for me out there – now if only I could win the lottery! Or if only a bag of (real) money will fall off the edge of the sky and into my arms. Anything is possible when one is anticipaying.

Anticipation is such a strong feeling of hope and despair which swings you and still fills you up completely.

The draw date came and went. I asked everyone I knew who bought numbers how they had fared. There were no positive responses at all. I was secretly elated. If no one else about me struck then it had to be me! After all, the pool of good luck is universally shared.

I still did not check the numbers. The anticipation and the expectation have mutated and I could not face its reality. The visualization fulfills me much better than the realization – and so I basked in that - like the so many difficult choices I have made in life so far.

I finally checked the numbers 20 minutes ago. Nothing has changed – except for a new void created by the dissipation of the pseudo joy which anticipation brought.

This somehow takes on a whole Steinbeck novel kind of quality.

The paradox of time

Why does it pass so slow within a day but so fast within a lifetime? 525,600 minutes and already we are 44,600 down.

So why is the countdown of another 90 till 1730 so painful now?

If you say everything is on a relative basis, then please come closer to the monitor screen now.

I want to punch your nose.

me: the ultimate dream job

I went through some of my email archives this afternoon and came across the following email reply from the National Geographic Society. I was 18 then and at one of the key crossroads in life. I had bravely asked them what does it take to be one of theirs as a writer or a photo-journalist.

Despite their detailed and good-willed advice, I now remain as far as I have even been in taking the necessary steps to be part of them. Yet till date, I still deeply respect this organisation for its ideals and the work it accomplishes. It will remain my deepest honour to one day work or contribute to its signature "yellow frame" in any smallest way -

As a by thought, do you think Michael Yamashita needs a companion/ assistant or something anytime soon?

********
December 27, 1999

[My name…]

[My name…]@hotmail.com

Thank you for contacting the National Geographic Society.

Vacancies on our editorial staff are few and usually filled by men and women who have had quite a few years of experience in the newspaper or magazine publishing fields. In preparation for such work, many of our writers have made a thorough study of the sciences, journalism, and English, and in some cases have knowledge of several languages. A solid academic background and a proven record of success in one's chosen field are most important. However, because we

Cannot know a person's particular talents nor assure employment after a Completed course, we do not encourage gearing a career or educational program specifically toward employment by the Society.

The Dow Jones Newspaper Fund publishes two booklets for aspiring writers: "Journalist's Road to Success" ($3), and "Newspapers, Diversity and You" (free). These outline college journalism programs, recommended courses of study for journalism majors and sources of scholarships and other financial aid.

They also offer advice on applying for media jobs and mapping out a career path. In addition, the Fund sponsors the Editing Internship Program for college juniors, seniors, and graduate students. The address for the Fund is Box 300, Princeton, New Jersey 08543; telephone 1-800-DOW-FUND or 1-609-452-2820; fax: 1-609-520-5804; e-mail: newsfund@wsj.dowjones.com; website:
www.dowjones.com/newsfund

Another good source of career information is the American Society of Magazine Editors, which each year sponsors forty to fifty summer internships for college juniors preparing to work in the field of journalism. Announcements concerning the program are sent to departments of journalism or English in schools throughout the United States. The address for the American Society of Magazine Editors is 919 Third Avenue, New York, New York 10022; the telephone number is 1-212-872-3700.

Our photographers have educational backgrounds in a variety of disciplines. Most majored in subjects other than photography, although all took photography courses along the way. Our editors and photographers agree that it is important to complete a degree in a discipline other than photography. The most common majors were journalism, anthropology, sociology or psychology, the fine arts, and the natural or life sciences.

From the magazine’s viewpoint, we seek balance and an eclectic blend of interest, abilities, and photographic styles in the freelance photographers we utilize. All of our photographers are driven by a curiosity and desire to share what they find with others. They are able to work comfortably and intimately with people in a variety of situations.

In a stylistic sense, the type of photography for which we most often look might be described as a classic Magnum style. That is, images which work on various levels; images which the viewer can study for a period of time, constantly discovering new insights.

We also desire photographers who possess an extraordinary ability to portray physical geography. What is most often overlooked by photographers submitting work to us is that we also value highly the ability to portray, in an extraordinary fashion, social geography as well.

It is also true that the difficulty for a photographer attempting to break into the Magazine is, quite simply, that the competition for our assignments is especially keen. Desire and drive count, but professional photography is a competitive business, and for every successful photographer there are dozens looking for work. Training can only help to fine-tune a natural eye, and although a prospective photographer may have a true passion for the art and craft, if he lacks that eye no amount of training or desire can compensate.

Many people must be content to be advanced amateurs rather than professionals. We are, I suppose, in the enviable position of being able to select from the world’s best photojournalists. The fact is that the majority of our assignments go to the relatively select cadre of staff, contract, and freelance photographers.

Normally, our freelance photographers have at least five to ten years’ experience as photographers with other publications before coming to us. Some come as photojournalists from newspapers or magazines. Others come out of different specializations such as wildlife, underwater, nature, or aerial photography.

We provide one internship in photography each year. The intern is chosen based on portfolios we receive. Portfolios may be in the form of slides, prints, clippings, or any combination, in color and/or black and white. The GEOGRAPHIC discourages sending large and elaborate packages or oversized prints.

Applicants should concentrate on content, professionalism, and journalism not salesmanship. Work should demonstrate technical proficiency, lighting skills, and ability to interact effectively with subjects. Send materials to: Susan Smith, Associate Director of Photography, National Geographic Society, 1145 17^th Street, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036. Portfolios and supporting documents are only accepted between December 1st and January 31st. All applicants receive notification by early March.

You may be interested in taking a look at our August 1995 issue of National Geographic, which contains an article entitled “National Geographic Photographers.’ You also may be interested in our books on photography. Please visit our online index for a listing. (Use as your search term.) The index is at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/publications

Our website includes quite a bit of information on our photographers as well.
You can find it at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/media/photography

There is no academic affiliation that will guarantee you a job in either field at the Society, but I hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,
CL Str0ud
Research Correspondence

me: 4 to 24 and now almost 25

Aside from the wind, puddles must be the next best thing during a rain pour.

There are some things which cannot be outgrown. Barefooted, in slippers and then now in ankle high stiletto boots, I enjoy them still. Splash, splash and SPLASH…

Just to share that it has been proven that if a large enough splash is made in a shallow puddle, one’s feet actually remain drier than your companion’s who was unfortunate to be walking right next to you.

Splash, splash and SPLASH…

me: Hostage

Held hostage by my client today.

I was just going about my daily grind and I required some information that is only retrievable from my client’s computers. And so off I went to their office. In consideration of the current tension between my managers, bosses and the client, I made it quite clear to all parties before leaving to the client's office that I am only an executor and not a decision-maker of the project today and till forever.

*********

Snippets of conversation with my client at their office -

Me: (hard at work; hunched in front of the computer screen)

Client: (slams phone down after heated discussion with my manager)… So… How is Mr. XYZ as your manager? Is he always like this?

Me: (dazed; mumbling] ... The time line is really tight now, we are focusing on getting as much of the […] done within this week as possible

Client: So what’s your schedule like tomorrow?

Me: (mumbling; non-committal) Well, I might have some […] to do tomorrow, but that I would have to confirm because these […] are very crucial to our project

Client: But there are no […] as far as you know now right? So you will available at 3pm tomorrow?

Me: (firm) No as I know of yet, but I will have to confirm when I return to the office later.

Client: (back on the phone with my manager) [My name] can make it for the meeting tomorrow. I do not care if any one else is coming but she is… That is good enough.

Me: (jaw drops) … …

*********

Should I even thank my lucky stars that my managers did not respond in the following manner:

“Sure thing! We will just send [My name] alone to face off your team of 4-6 tomorrow then. If possible, we would appreciate if you could at least send us back the larger remaining pieces of [my name] by the end of the day. Her parents will be greatly comforted.”

Lucky charms

Bought a four-leaf clover handphone pendent yesterday. At about US$16, I am trying to figure out the returns of every good luck event it brings about. If you had to pay for good luck, how much would you be willing and able to pay?

It took about a good 10 mins to buy the lucky charm yesterday. And we were already late for the movie then. Interestingly, the movie did not start until about 10 mins after we were settled into the cushy seats of the theatre. See - the charm works already. Talk about effective and immediate services!

So, what's your good luck charm?

Strength

Referenced from a distant friend's blog. He sometimes draw comfort and new strength from these verses. I relate perfectly to this for sometimes - and just sometimes - I just want to curl up in utter denial of reality. Sometimes I escape into artificial worlds, alcohol-laced-with-too-loud-music. Sometimes I just simply lose it. These verses say these sometimes are okay because "[we] are strong. We have proven that."

Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong.
Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.
Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self- doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.
Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.
Sometimes, we cry in front of people.
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Do these words reach you too?

me: Favourite weather

The wind just before the onset of a long storm is my favourite weather moment. The skies are usually a shade of mild grey – indicating a sudden tropical storm; or else a hue of angry reddish grey – a malicious storm which had been brewing and ready to unleash its worst.

My old house by the sea is a natural stage to watch a storm come in. We have a wide balcony along the whole length of the house which gives a panoramic view of the sea. I have had many moments in my old house but those involving the winds riding upon the oncoming storms are most impacting.

The storm sequence is always the same, but as the drama unfolds, the strong sense of awe never fails to overwhelm me every time.

The colour of the skies and seas changes from bright blue to an angry red over the course of the day and the temperature noticeably drops. These happen as quickly as in the wink of the eye or may sneak up unnoticed on lazy Sunday afternoons. Sometimes these warnings are just false alarms. But the onset of the storm winds is always indicative and heralds the incoming storm.

The storm winds are fierce and howling – forcing themselves into every nook and cranny of the old house. They are not meek at all and will fill the house with shrill whistles and howls. They are may be invisible to the naked eye, but their presence is not missed as they slam the doors hard and without warning or dance with stray papers in the middle of the living room. They can even hurt you if you have your fingers caught between the door and its frame.

Once there was a blackout in midst of a storm itself – the entire house was cast in darkness of a reddish hue and flashes of lighting lit the house periodically. The winds filled the house entirely and called it their own. A glimpse of what hell may be. I was home alone and huddled in the arms of our then domestic worker – both of us trying not to whimper out aloud. Two lost children. I was probably not of 8 years old then.

Anyway, it has been raining the whole weekend now.

If I am in my old house now, I would, as if I was in a theatre, snuggle up on the deck chair in the balcony, with a cup of piping milk tea and enjoy nature at her most primal.

On a side note: As much as I would like to keep every posting focused to one topic, I do have too many thoughts running amok in my mind.

I miss my old house very much. But can we handle the memories if we moved back? It carries the happiest and most painful moments for both entire my family and I.

Well, hello now 2006

It has only been about 72 hours into the new year and yet it has started differently than most others. 2005 slipped off in a rather quiet manner with some of my closest friends – New Year eve’s dinner was street-side chicken rice (I had Italian gourmet once); then it was into a smoke-free Irish pub –side note: ain’t that an oxymoron - (no carousing along the streets); then it was down to the beach for 15 minutes of countdown (no sparklers) and finally back at the hawker stores (no cab problems) again.

No hang over on the first day of the new year. I even managed to have a rather harmonious lunch with my family of four at a steak restaurant – 6 weeks of steak craving finally quieted. Did a bit of personal grooming and I think this advertisement applies pretty well to me now.

If you have to know, my hair is also a dark tinge of purple too!

Ran ~an hour on the second day of 2006 – it was a good run to the beach and it rained again. The rest of the day was filled with distractions. Unhealthy but enjoyable – like other vices in life to be taken in moderation and caution.

In a very non-usual manner, no new year resolutions have been set yet. There are some things which I would like to complete in one way or another. Perhaps that’s why we have another (Chinese) New Year coming up in 3 weeks time for procrastinators, like myself, to straighten out the rest of the year again.

Goodbye 2005 – though it has been eventful and fulfilling year, I am glad to be done with it finally.

On a side note, I would like to declare that relationships are complicated businesses. We ought to be married at birth. This would leave us as healthier and more functional adults now so that we are able to focus on winning the next Nobel peace prize or whatever else it takes to save the world.

travel: Hanoi, VN - 22-27 Dec

Retrospective post: While I took some time to select the photos, the period after this trip was such a mad rush that I did not quite have the time to settle my thoughts into this blog.

The whole trip was quite a throw back to my student days and it was enjoyable walking around town with 2 good-looking decent boys; a backpack, a map, sandels and a good sense of adventure. We even got to spend Christmas together - the eve was spent overnight on a boat in the middle of Hunglong Bay. Talking with a beer, under the stars, talking to strangers, sharing your life and wild stories and we pass them all by.

It was a time of what-ifs during the trip and it is an irony as I am posting this, I am living the decisions made then. The decisions have not proven too bad as now ;)

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Flowers for sale in a mobile way. I kinda took several photos of this and earned myself a couple of stares as well. "Like haven't you damn tourists seen flowers before?!"Communism for sale in an arty way. While many communist countries are embracing some form of capitalism one way or another, the former propaganda materials and the colours red and yellow are still (superficially) respected. But here, it is art and that sells for 100 times the price of old goods. Chinese Junkboats in Hunglong Bay on Christmas eve. Tell me this looks like a picture from a movie set or something found in Hong Kong like 30-50 years ago

VN is the land of 2 wheel traffic. Bicycles and motorcycles. Cars are for whimps only. So naturally taxis are found mostly as 2 wheels only. What is it like to put your life in another's hands? I held on to that fella for life - he freaked out more than I did.

M0S

Within a week of opening, I had been to M0S twice already. That is more times which I have been to Zouk in the whole of this year. Contrary to popular (mis)belief, I am no party animal. But yes, I like M0S a lot.

Gadgets

Sonyericsson k750i (white): A new toy for 2006; not exactly brand-new. Second-hand, but as good as new. New technology platform again. Enough of Korean brands for a while.

New toys = new peripherials as well. More shopping and pictures coming up. This toy has 2.0 mega pixel camera - we are going to see more images on this blog soon.

me: My body and I

Exercising has made me more aware of my body – its potential and limitations. I used to think if one was not an athlete then it is likely that there will be very little physical activities that one should be doing. So I have surprised myself and my body into some strange situations this year.

Despite all these exercising, I do not trust my body as much yet. The mind still retains the label that if one is an anti-social nerd who enjoys books, then I cannot be so much of a jock as well. Therefore I will most probably be the girl who will drop the ball before passing it off to the next. By the way, that is a true memory from my adolescence.

Last Saturday, was the first time I swam at the sea. Gee. It was not even the open-seas – just the barricaded portion of a local beach. It was ~3m deep and a single lap was only 400m. I swam out with two fellow swimmers and then, off we went in one straight file. It has been some time since I last swam seriously. I cannot see the seabed, hell; I could not even see my feet. I cannot see my hands in front of my face. I cannot see the finishing point. The water was murky and suddenly a piece of evil seaweed floats past my face. What if I feel something pulling at my legs? What about those Faces? – in the scene as Frodo crosses the Dead Marshes - "They lie in all the pools, pale faces, deep deep under the dark water. I saw them: grim faces and evil, and noble faces and sad. Many faces proud and fair, and weeds in their silver hair. But all foul, all rotting. A fell light is in them."

Then I started the feel the sea lice nibbles everywhere – arugh – are those jellyfish stings?

Frankly, I freaked (edit: understatement of the day). To quote a fellow swimmer, I “looked quite flappy” then. My limbs simply refused to swim any further; I could hardly trap water properly to keep myself afloat. I did not even think I could swim back ashore then – I just want to make a mad scramble for the nearest fixed object. I did not have the confidence in my body to take the swim, knowing that there is no rest point, or quick escape until the 800m is over. Thank goodness for friends.

They came back for me and swam alongside me. But we abandoned the swim at 400m as the sea lice stings were too many and too painful. Of course, being me, I developed an allergic reaction against them. So add that to jasmine flowers which I should avoid. Fortunately, they subsided after my run and the 2 cold showers in between.

I underestimated my body then.

But yesterday, I overestimated my body and went for 2 yoga classes back-to-back. 2.5h of body contortions - not to mention that the final class was Astanga II. I laid in Savasana (corpse pose) for final 30 minutes. -_-. My arms and legs are jello today.

me: Don’t judge me

I have never been officially diagnosed, nor will I want to be. I doubt I really have ADD but sometimes the number of traits I exhibit, my experiences and thoughts… well, it all just adds up a little too nicely. But women's ADD should not be stereotyped similarly to the more recognized form of ADD found in men.

Found a weblog today which focuses a lot from material drawn from a book - “Driven to Distraction”-
The splintered mind
Living with ADD

me: Gee. Deep thoughts for a Friday morning.

What I used to keep close to my heart, I am ready to share openly today. Strange how I used to let this darkness constrain my life and the person who I am. Ironical, how this secrecy has led to less happiness and the current position which I am at today. It is as if I have come full circle and back to nothingness at all.

I have new secrets now. But why cannot I enjoy the “moment” - who cares enough to remember what I did and to judge me? Why does their judgment matter when there is nothing which I am answerable to them? Does it simply boil down to my deep-seated insecurity? If no one knows about it, it does not matter if I fail? And after the event is over, I can look back and said “Yea, been there, done that and resolved/ ignored”? So I judge myself before everyone else can?

Woke up eerily early this morning with the intention of going for yoga class - Nowadays I feel very uncomfortable if I am not disciplined with my body – this includes the all exercising, the food and the sleep. In fact, I am get physically ill after “hawker feasts” which I used to enjoy. Perhaps this is part of the entire change regime which I am currently undergoing so do throw in the reading of Chinese (for leisure), the quitting of nicotine and caffeine etc. How long will this last?

So, I did not go for yoga class this morning - for several reasons including the comfort taken that I will run tomorrow morning; that I seem to be on a verge of a flu etc. Excuses! I think I am experiencing fatigue – “Fatigue is the state of feeling very tired, weary or sleepy resulting from insufficient sleep, prolonged mental or physical work, or extended periods of stress or anxiety. Boring or repetitive tasks can intensify feelings of fatigue.”

Suddenly I want to stop running, I want to stop waking up in the mornings and just curl up in a dark closet somewhere. I need to break this cycle.

Revitalise me! I remember that in the game – Sims, there is this hack game item known as the rejuvenator. Where do I find one of these things in our real world?

I am tired of being tired.

me: Some friends…

There were little negotiations on this, but our friendship has been optimized at a minimum average of ~24 hours per annum (ie. for the entire duration of this friendship). Just so that she does not fail the abovementioned clause, I’ll be generous to include the times which I traveled to Malaysia to meet her as well. But with 11 years of friendship and more than 5 of them being in different continents, we are still best friends today. Considering the depth, range and “bimbo-ness” of today and how much lighter my shoulders now feel - there is absolutely no doubt on this conclusion.

me: Caught in the moment

Last night was probably both my first and last Z0uk0ut. Other than being one of the most overdressed individual on site, the overall experience was rather prosaic. This may be due to several factors such as the lack of drugs, difficult access to alcohol, high security presence and the conspicuous absence of the sexier and lither foreigners. Only one take-away for just the briefest moment, I experienced EXHILARATION.

define:exhilaration. Close your eyes and put yourself with me. You are: High and moving fast – as one with us, the crowd. The sharp, coloured lasers shoots right into the brain and the music thumps in sync with the heart. The sand crumbles between the toes. We are in the vortex of the howling wind; under the red, stormy skies. And so we moved. Then the barriers between the arena and the sea collapse completely. Confinement only remains in the mind. The wind realizes; breaks-free. Picks up further and is merciless. Whipping sand, salt and the promise of freedom into the faces. The heavens opened and still, we kept on moving.

me: Lookin' back at 2005

Just bought the planner for 2006 and doing the usual such as transferring the birthdays, goals and back-burner ideas. It is tedious, but until I have a micro-computer physically implanted in me, I am a pen and paper girl. With so many more new cards this year, the number of passwords has increased two-fold. Already, I have sent out several forms this week to report loss of passwords - this is not a good sign.

2006 is rushing upon us and I am scared. The days in December are like a blur because days and minutes do not matter. There are 6 milestones to mark the beginnings and the ends of Dec - the 4 of them are about the men in my life, the anniversary and then the eve. 08, 10, 12, 26x2 and 31 Dec. Nothing else in between is remembered or impactful.

2005 (at age of 24) is another coming-of-age year. The usual ages whereby rites of passage are ordained occurs at 16, 18, 21 and so on. The word late-bloomer comes to mind as I think of this - 17: I recogised my parents and family for who they are and what they mean to me; 19, 20 and 21: I recogised my other peers out there who are simultaneously worse and better off than I, where though we are of the same age, our survival matrix are so differently calibrated; 17, 20, 24: I learn and experience love and other related feelings and events. 23: Catapulted from carefreeness, idealism to pragmatism and materialism - the working world is not kind.

2005 has given so much to look back and reflect back on - the places that I have been, the people that I have met and the person that I now am. It has also been a year of many "firsts" - these range from momentous to minuteness; some have been documented, some shared and some I have tinges of regrets over. Perhaps with a little help from family and friends, sadness, depression, apathy and other negative emotions are manageable. I struggle most with regret as there is so much potential in the other "what-ifs". There is no limit to this and dreams of the possibilities are always much sweeter than the reality of what has occurred. Under all my surface pragmatism, as all those close to me would know, I am a very good and fantastical dreamer (as a by note, in the resume, this "head-in-the-cloud" syndrome is euphemistically expressed as "strong lateral and creative thinker")

-Was Du erlebt, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben -
What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you- Viktor E. Frankl

A powerful quote which I am drawing strength from. No matter what has happened, there is no regrets, because everything which I have experienced is unique and "kann kein Macht der Welt [Mir] rauben". For better or worse, these experiences have shaped the unique individual I am today, and it is MINE. Nothing can replicate or return these to me in any form and because I love myself as this unique individual - I can have no regrets. But enlightenment does not mean that I can feel this way everyday. Sometimes, when the skies are just a tad grey for a little too long, or when the waters are just a little too blue or sunrise too beautiful etc, negative feelings do creep up.

I want to write more about 2005, but 2006 is rushing upon all of us and no one drives with the eyes on the rear-view mirror only.

I cannot conclude this post as the story is still going on strong into the far future. It has been a great year - not perfect, but definitely not wasted. Some things could have been done in a better way, but regrets do not change history. Regrets can only be transformed as guidance for the future - and this, I can and will change.

me: One of those days...

Rule: Fill in the blanks with any fill any approperiate verbs:
"I'd rather be _____ing than WORKING"

Some choice verbs suggested by a, particulary sassy bitchy, girlfriend of mine are: (a) sleep, (b) eat, (c) shop, (d) club, (e) f*ck. I'll throw in another two final options - (f) All of the above and (g) others: ________.

Just to get this day over and done with, I am off to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be better than any of today. It had better be.

Marathon: blue blue skies

Marathon: blue blue skies
Originally uploaded by moodyax.

In case you do not know my flickr account, I have posted one of the several photos of that eventful day. I had been looking forward to joining the half-marathon in Hong Kong come Feb 2006, but can you believe that registeration has closed for the long distances but not the shorter one? Oh my. I need a new challenge, but am I up to 42km next year? How much more can I shave from 2.34 esp. since I am a long haul and not a speed runner? 5-6 hours of running -_- I need to consider this very very carefully

me: 21.1km - I did it!

I want to say more, esp. on how accomplished I feel (in the last 24 years of my life) - but I am exhausted now . But I have updated my flickr account and I think a picture captures a thousand words. Will update again, or not. But this is definately a highlight of 2005 and my life so far.

note: My bed is elavated; I am not looking forward to climbing up, and worst still, climbing down tomorrow morning. -_-

me: I actually concur with this

Get to know yourself better
http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Zits: Latte Venti

Zits: Latte Venti
Originally uploaded by moodyax.

One of my favourite comic strips. These are for the days when one cup of coffee is not enough. I have a feeling tomorrow will be one of those days.

The Man Booker Prize Long List 2005

The Man Booker Prize Long List Aug 11, 2005:
Independent, The; London (UK)
Telegraph, The; London (UK

'The Harmony Silk Factory' by Tash Aw (Fourth Estate)
In his first novel, Aw weaves the story of Johnny Lim, a cloth merchant, criminal and clandestine Communist in 1940s Malaysia, who rose by nefarious means from obscure peasant origins to become the richest man in the valley. The narrative is conveyed by the voices of Lim's family and friends.

'The Sea' by John Banville (Picador)
Max Morden, an ageing alcoholic, returns to the Irish resort where he spent a memorable childhood holiday 50 years before. Recently bereaved by the loss of his wife, Anna, Morden immerses himself in the memory of the earlier visit to Ballyless as an 11- year-old, when he fell in love with an entire family.

'Arthur & George' by Julian Barnes (Jonathan Cape)
Barnes brings to life the case of George Edali, sentenced to seven years' hard labour as the convicted sender of hate mail to his Indian father and Scottish mother. His cause is taken up by the writer Arthur Conan Doyle, who attempts to clear his name while suffering his own emotional turmoil.

'A Long, Long Way' by Sebastian Barry (Faber & Faber)
It is 1916 and Willie Dunne is a volunteer with the Dublin Fusiliers enduring the brutality of the battlefield in Flanders. On leave in Dublin, he faces the Easter Rising. The son of a Catholic policeman and loyalist, Dunne and fellow Irish soldiers are seen as traitors by nationalists and distrusted by the English.

'Slow Man' by J M Coetzee (Secker & Warburg)
Coetzee has already won the Booker Prize twice, in 1983 and 1999, as well as being awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 2003. In Slow Man, Paul Rayment has his leg amputated after an accident. He hires a nurse, Marijana, and becomes increasingly drawn to her and her handsome teenage son.

'In The Fold' by Rachel Cusk (Faber & Faber)
In her fifth novel, the award-winning Cusk, named one of Granta's Best of Young British novelists in 2003, deals with marriage, friendship, family and morality. Michael is married to Rebecca, but their partnership is threatened by her self-doubt. He has to look back at his youthful judgements.

'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro (Faber & Faber)
The children of Hailsham have no parents and are destined to have no children of their own. The sinister truth is that they have been bred as 'donors', eventually to surrender their vital organs. The story is narrated by one of the pupils, Kathy, who has become a carer, who spends her time between 'recovery centres', where she helps donors not to die, but to 'complete'.

'All For Love' by Dan Jacobson (Hamish Hamilton)
Based on the real story of Louise, younger daughter of King Leopold II of Belgium, Jacobson's novel recreates an elopement that scandalised Viennese society at the end of the 19th century. Married to a Hapsburg prince, Princess Louise had an affair with a soldier who claimed to be a Croatian count, Lieutenant Mattachich. They ended up in prison and a madhouse.

'A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian' by Marina Lewycka (Viking)
Sisters Nadezhda and Vera were brought up in England by their Ukrainian refugee parents, but have not spoken to one another for years. They are reconciled after their mother's death when their father, who is working on a grand history of the tractor, becomes romantically entangled with a pneumatic young blonde woman, who is clearly after his wealth.

'Beyond Black' by Hilary Mantel (Fourth Estate)
Mantel's tenth novel revolves around Alison Hart, a medium from Slough, who tours with her assistant Colette, showcasing her psychic powers to mainly female audiences. Partly inspired by the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the book takes a wry look at Britain in the 21st century, where the inhabitants of housing estates worry about immigration and Gypsies.

'Saturday' by Ian McEwan (Jonathan Cape)
McEwan's novel is set on 15 February 2003, the day Britain took to the streets of the capital in protest against the impending war in Iraq. But the action is away from the march when neurosurgeon Henry Perowne is in a minor car crash. His encounter with the other driver, Baxter, whom he diagnoses as having Hunting-ton's disease, has fateful consequences.

'The People's Act of Love' by James Meek (Canongate)
Siberia 1919, and the Czech Legion, which fought for the beaten Whites against the Red Army, are stranded in a small village made stranger by the practice of shamanism and a Christian sect led by the enigmatic Balashov. Into this setting Meek brings escaped criminal Samarin and war widow, Anna Petrovna.

'Shalimar The Clown' by Salman Rushdie (Jonathan Cape)
The book opens in LA in 1991, when Maximilian Ophuls, former US ambassador to India, is killed at his illegitimate daughter's house by his Kashmiri Muslim driver, who calls himself Shalimar The Clown. What appears to be a political assassination is revealed to be a passionately personal murder.

'The Accidental' by Ali Smith (Hamish Hamilton)
Smith's first full-length novel, is drawn from Pier Pasolini's film Theorem, starring a youthful Terence Stamp. In the film, the beautiful young man entrances a bourgeois family. In the novel, a young woman, Amber, brings turmoil into the family home of an English literature lecturer.

'On Beauty' by Zadie Smith (Hamish Hamilton)
In her third novel, the author of White Teeth and The Autograph Man tells the story of two academic families, the Belseys and the Kipps, who are brought together despite their differences. Smith's social comedy deals with themes of love, sex, race, class and belief systems.

'This Thing of Darkness' by Harry Thompson (Headline)
In his epic novel, Thompson tells the story of the voyages of the Beagle, its captain Robert Fitzroy and most famous passenger, Charles Darwin. Fitzroy was a devout Christian searching for geological evidence to back up the Old Testament. Darwin, though a minor cleric at the time, had other ideas.

'This is the Country' by William Wall (Hodder & Stoughton)
An Irish teenager is heading for trouble, dabbling with drugs and the criminal underworld. His life is changed when he falls for Pat Baker's sister. When she becomes pregnant, Pat breaks his legs. Set against the backdrop of a gritty, modern Ireland, it is a darkly comic tale of survival against the odds.

me: why do i even bother blogging

Wow. I did it again. I wiped out everything on my other blog and started it out again. I am simultaneously quite amazed and disgusted with myself. It is almost as if I am ashamed of my previous lives but I am starting to think that I have wiped the slate clean one too many times already!

A half-year in review:
1. Travel - Embarked on several work related overseas trips; of which the first one started in March to Thailand. Several exciting new cities I visted include some key cities in China such as Beijing, Nanjing, Ningbo and Kunming. I also spent almost 5 weeks in Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur

2. Work - (a) Promotion! (b) Leading new projects with juniors to order around. (c) A slightly more decent income so much so that I can now at least apply for my own credit card!

3. Family life - Finally, a household of working adults. We are also realising the importance of staying together so we are thinking of renting a new house within the same estate for my brother and I. So perhaps - some personal space at last? Grannies are still doing wonderfully, and that is more than I can ask for in this aspect these days.

4. Personal life - Am still developing that core of 16 friends - perhaps I can truly only count on 10 of them. With some little faith, perhaps I can push that count up to 14, but I am still working on it. My love life is in shambles, and the worse part is - I am now willing to walk away from it all. This is not going to be pretty, but the worst is yet to come.

5. Health - I quit. I think. On another note, I also have personally committed myself for about 3 events this year including the Terryf0x, the vertical marathon and the SC marathon 2005.

... the rest of the year looks pretty good still, but the usual deep sense of "lost", misguidance and the lack of purpose, strength and meaning are all creeping in on me. There are so much to do - such as to study again - study what?; to love again - love who?; to join my parents in business etc. More of such useless musings another day..

Meanwhile I am embarking on several new projects and one of them involves me packing my room again. Every year, 3 times a year I go into this craziness - how can I ever make this less painful than it should?

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