me: Gee. Deep thoughts for a Friday morning.

What I used to keep close to my heart, I am ready to share openly today. Strange how I used to let this darkness constrain my life and the person who I am. Ironical, how this secrecy has led to less happiness and the current position which I am at today. It is as if I have come full circle and back to nothingness at all.

I have new secrets now. But why cannot I enjoy the “moment” - who cares enough to remember what I did and to judge me? Why does their judgment matter when there is nothing which I am answerable to them? Does it simply boil down to my deep-seated insecurity? If no one knows about it, it does not matter if I fail? And after the event is over, I can look back and said “Yea, been there, done that and resolved/ ignored”? So I judge myself before everyone else can?

Woke up eerily early this morning with the intention of going for yoga class - Nowadays I feel very uncomfortable if I am not disciplined with my body – this includes the all exercising, the food and the sleep. In fact, I am get physically ill after “hawker feasts” which I used to enjoy. Perhaps this is part of the entire change regime which I am currently undergoing so do throw in the reading of Chinese (for leisure), the quitting of nicotine and caffeine etc. How long will this last?

So, I did not go for yoga class this morning - for several reasons including the comfort taken that I will run tomorrow morning; that I seem to be on a verge of a flu etc. Excuses! I think I am experiencing fatigue – “Fatigue is the state of feeling very tired, weary or sleepy resulting from insufficient sleep, prolonged mental or physical work, or extended periods of stress or anxiety. Boring or repetitive tasks can intensify feelings of fatigue.”

Suddenly I want to stop running, I want to stop waking up in the mornings and just curl up in a dark closet somewhere. I need to break this cycle.

Revitalise me! I remember that in the game – Sims, there is this hack game item known as the rejuvenator. Where do I find one of these things in our real world?

I am tired of being tired.