me: I only really wish that I am stronger than this

I wish that I am richer than you.
I wish that I am happier than you.
I wish that I am healthier than you. Do you feel the same way too?

I wish we are born knowing what to do, who to marry, when to die and how to live.
I wish I know what to do better than what I am doing now.
I wish this life was mine

I wish there is the F1 button for this.
I wish to know who wrote the operating manual for this

;)

Can I keep count, now?

6.6 bil people in the world

There is 6.6bil people in the world and jumping by an increament of 3 every second. There is 4.4 mil people in the country where I live now.

It is crowded and lonely at the same time. The urban disease.

I really should have slapped him last night.

me: developing a phobia

Telephonophobia - Fear of telephones.

This is with particular reference to my mobile phone and is not withholding to anyone including, family and loved ones. Please don't call me anymore as I am switching lines to mental telepathy. If you really really need to speak with me, I'll call you naturally. I have good senses. Free incoming calls for you too - win-win situation.

me: I-not-ready-for-the-world-day

Drifted into a sleep of pure exhaustion and frustration and then I got awaken almost immediately. I kept waking up again and again, from a seemingly deep sleep. But each time, it was only less than a hour apart from each other.

When the sun finally rose, it was raining mightily which implicates a project of mine currently being in the process. My psyche broke and I burried myself deeper into my bed and decided that I am not ready for the world today.

Today I give myself the permission to "fall apart" when I need to.

We don't always have to be strong to be strong.

travel: TW, 5 June (follow-up)

You have seen the same shot in sepia in the previous post;
The following is the photo of the original and a very clever picture done up by my travel companion.
The same picture, the same place - through different eyes and different expressions.
- Shifen, Ruifang, Taiwan June 2006

travel: TW, 5 June

The whole trip was highly anticipated for many reasons:

- Landmark travel as a final destination to complete my Greater China exposure. The last of the Greater China under my belt at last!

- Highlight a completion of my first job and before joining the family affray.

- Home-stay experience plus a local friend as guide and a fellow traveling companion.

The food was great, the company was fantastic and it totally injected the love of travel back into me a bit. We did the tourist like things of photo-snappy, share bits of street food - buying and eating, then eating again!

I like the way Taiwanese describe things, they have an interesting vocabulary and there are 2 words I like in particular: 十分 and 非常. They both mean "very", "perfect" or "extreme". At one point in the past, I remember a 非常台湾. So it was very strange then to find a "十分车站" along the railway tracks in 瑞芳 - Ruifang (a small town outside of Taipei). The sepia photo to the right, is an exact of a postcard they were trying to sell at NT$100. Ha. As if we'll pay that!

Oh, the third picture is one of the many views I enjoy on the train with my head stuck out of the window. The wind howling by your ears, the scenary zipping from green to brown and then suddenly all black as you enter the tunnel. It was great great fun!

There are more tourist-y pictures I won't be posting - such as our visits to 九份 (Jiufeng) and the Taipei 101 and the over-dose of Hello Kitty etc. These are the run-of-mill ones that you'll see when you are next in Taipei. The homes-stay experience was amazing and the Taiwanese are generally very welcoming to guests. I thank you all that took care of us. And funnily, I do miss the that family.

Some regrets: that although the shopping was very interesting, it was way too expensive to be pleasurable; and that we did not plan our time better to include central/ southern Taiwan.
So, again, again!

travel: HK, 13 May

There are some cities to grow up in, some to make a living in and others to romance and relax in. My personnel list of such cities is almost endless, and I have been relatively lucky, in my short life, to have experience a good number of them. To me, I have marked 2 cities to establish that I have made it in my career life: Hong Kong and New York City.

New York City: 5 days in Apr 2000
Hong Kong: half of 2003; and unknowingly, every year hence in 2004, 2005 and 2006 again - even for a day trip, I cannot resist crossing over to Hong Kong just for the sake of seeing the familiar sights, the language spoken and the whole buzz on the streets.

My shop-savvy local friend discovered this in HK during my 2006 visit there. This girlfriend of mine bought 9 pairs of shoes in a 5 day whirlwind attack of HK. I have completely taken my hat off her...

Hong Kong Industrial Centre - a wholesale, trading and manufacturing garment factory site
How to get there: MTR; Tsuen Wan Line - Lai Chi Kok Station Exit C

So it was a former boring wholesale, trading and manufacturing garment factory site, but some smart one established a gazzilion little stores on the lower floors now vying for retail business. There were shoe shops, Korean fashion, fantasy jeans and etc. It was a shopping girl/ bargain hunters' dream materialising.

In reality, quite a number of shops there remain true to its wholesale and trading roots, so they will put out signs "not for retail". Think about it, at least 50-70% of all so those nice street clothes in your city probably passed thru' these HKers one point another. Just a FYI, this failure of all womanhood walked away without buying a single item. I was simply overwhelmed ><

Deliciously spent...

I hope you were thinking naughty. But, "deliciously spent" was how I was feeling after a 7.30am session of yoga before work last Friday. Had several more of this same feeling over the weekend and one of them involved a 20 lap (40min) swim at my club this morning. Ahh. It was a nice feeling - having my body feel stretched and well-used, maybe like a car pushing itself beyond the imposed speed limits. I like it and want more of it.

One of the better weekends

Every year, there's a particular weekend that I'll be looking forward to and this year's no exception. As usual, I had a blast. Am sharing the details via photos -

Aside from the (group) celebration with my collegues at Krabi last week, my birthday weekend officially started on Fri afternoon (Apr 28) when I got a first slice of 4-leaves chocolate birthday cake and a present from one of my casuals! Very unexpected.

Buffet Japanese dinner "with more than 100 items to choose from" - my friend counted and there were 101 items on the menu -_-

While I was subjected to a bit of chores, the highlight and lowlights of the birthday weekend was at Ministry of Sound (MOS) on Saturday. 2 shots of tequila and then 3 shots of that nice pink liquid there. "Sex on the Beach". The lowlights include being bent double over a road barricade in the middle of no where heaving my stomach out. Apparently there were several other similiar incidents for the rest of the night, but nah - you won't be interested to know.

Found a lovely bouquet of flowers on my table the next morning. Then had my second buffet for lunch - my stomach protested. To think I was nearly invited out for my THIRD buffet. Spent the rest of the evening with my childhood friends. Had steaks, jazz, wine and fantastic company.

One of the more interesting presents this year - a CAPSULE MACHINE. $1 per play.

Thank you for the great weekend. And yes, I am happy to be a quarter of a century old.

travel: Weekend in Krabi, TH

It was a company get away at the beachside town of Krabi, southern Thailand. I enjoyed myself.

This was despite the challenge of remaining positive amidst all my colleagues, especially since that my heart's long left them way back in March.

My roomie did a tarot card reading session for me. It was her first reading for someone else. I was startled by its accuracy - not only the cards that were picked - which were mostly in the suite of cups and wands, but also in their positions which provides the spatial and time dimensions. Some cards were the "3 0f wards", "ace 0f cups" and the 8 0f cups". I strongly related to "9 0f sw0rds" in the position of future obstacles. Most of everything can be summarised as 1) anticipating/ managing change 2) positive relationships with the family, romanticism and more importantly, opportunities

But to be fair, having my tarot card reader constantly referring (reading off) to the little attached book should discount the accuracy of the reading a bit!

FYI: Instead of an "insights only" blog, I might switch the tone of this blog as a more regular update of my daily thoughts - each day is so urgent now, I feel like bursting sometimes.

Am I ready? Will I ever be?

Project: Alittlefaith - Positive vibrations

We always ask for tangibles to understand more about the higher power. Usually these tangibles come in the form of miracles and are often selfish. But when unfortunate things happen, we often blame it off at the higher power too. And there are simply too many related swear words to attest to this latter.

I broke my spectacles last night.

This is the second time I broke my spectacles in my 17 years of wearing them. I seldom ever keep a spare as my spectacles are always too expensive and my power degree fluctuations are too extreme.

Have I ever mentioned that my spectacle lens are made of glass and that I drop them off my 2 metre bed every other month for the last couple of years already?

I dropped it off the side of the wash sink in my bathroom. It stemmed from an action which I do twice a day when washing up to and from bed. I was simply devastated and disbeliving.

I reflected in the aftermath and realised that in the hours before the incident, I was brimming with negative vibrations of thoughts and actions. I was already stomping all over the house, flipping switches of all the electronics and in the midst of bashing and climbing up the walls. And in culmination of the entire evening's feelings of fustration, senseless anger and pent up restlessness - I broke down.

Project a little faith: The power of positive vibrations/ The costs of negative vibrations
Monetary costs: US$200+
Time costs: Unimaginable.

I could remain angry, but I (after some reluctance) am choosing to face it, learn the lessons and thank God - for the revelation, the show of faith and how it could have been a whole lot worse. No , I am not even going to think about how much worse, so just run along now and have positive vibrations for the rest of your life now.

me: The real projects for 2006 (2)

Sleep, wake up. Then sleep and wake up again....

Despite all the things that we do everyday, sometimes, when I look back it is rather difficult to remember what differentiates each day or even each year from the other. As the years go by, one year becomes another year - and then what? It was easier while younger, as we had school and every phase there were some rites of passage. But now, what do we have?

So when I was 23, I had promise myself to go to Inner Mongolia at 25 - while I am still working towards that (don't hold your breath on this), I think I will do the project runrun. So, bite my dust, wuzzies. ;)

The marathon is a long-distance road running event of 42.195 km (26.2 miles; 26 miles 385 yards; or 46145 yards). While "impossible is nothing", frankly, the pain is definately going to be "something".
Expected date of completion: 3 Dec/ 9 Dec Sun (2006)
Time of completion: Complusary = 6h and less
Time of completion: Being silly = 4.5 h-5h and less - 21.097 is 2:34h

Some references:
Wikepedia says...
Inspiration (1)

Dictionary.com: Tender

ten·der2 (tndr)
n.

1. A formal offer, as:
1. Law. An offer of money or service in payment of an obligation.
2. A written offer to contract goods or services at a specified cost or rate; a bid.
2. Something, especially money, offered in payment.


tr.v. ten·dered, ten·der·ing, ten·ders

To offer formally: tender a letter of resignation.


[From French tendre, to offer, from Old French, from Latin tendere, to hold forth, extend. See ten- in Indo-European Roots.]

me: The real projects for 2006 (1)

I wouldn't exactly call this a quarterly review, but I guess it is as good a time as any other to take stock of 2006. It is difficult to find time to actually structure this post, so consider this a ramble too -

I wonder what I have taken away from my ~18 months' corporate experience - so if this is project management as I learnt it, I'll just have to use it to get my life out of this rut -

1. Packing - While I do not really need a clear table to use my computer effectively it would be nice if it was tidier as it reflects the user's state of mind. Furthermore, the "broken window" theory applies best to this; as a broken window is a sign of a small act of neligence or offence left uncorrected is fundermental to the whole disfunctionality of a city's violence. This example is taken from the book Tipping Point, using the 1970's New York City as a case example. So, the resolution of my chaotic table is the key to ending my chaotic life. I need storage solutions. I need an expert. Yes - you, this June, you are spending a weekend helping me. This will be known as project meja. If successful, I'll move on to cull my cupboard.

2. Food - Inspiration whispered this evening - "I love food, but why does not food love me back?" Irrtitable bowl syndrome, lactose intolerance etc. whateverer - most food that I used to enjoy are now causing me to puke, poo, pass gas, feel nauseous and just feel exhausted. Just like the experience of Morgan Spurdock in "Supersize Me" - Some food just makes me feel plain lousy.Food should energise, nourish and entertain us, sadly, sometimes after a bad episode, I rather think humans should just photosynthesise than to eat for energy needs. For the case of my family business, food should also provide some good bread aka $.

This is a multi objective project - I am unsure if I should split this up into 3 managable ones, but I will figure this out later. Objectives as follow: (1) Find food that I love who loves me back (2) Differentiate, detail and explore potential of all types of Indonesian crusine (At least 5 distinctive types). Explore spin possibilities (3) Snacks of the world/ AP/ Asean - I have to define this a little more over the next couple of weeks, but for the time being, this project will be known as project oiishi

3. Spiritualism - It would be silly to give God ultimatiums, but I certainly can do with several for myself in this aspect. Since I believe in God, why cannot I recognise Him? He is the strength I have never reached out for - instead I always grab instinctively and blindingly at the loved ones and friends around me all the time. So, for every month of the rest of the year, I will commit to at least one major faith or religion. Whatever you are thinking of me at this moment, STOP IT. I am not THAT stupid to convert just to enter a mosque for a month - so give me some faith while I find mine - project alittlefaith.

This is all work in progress and I am sure that there will be more projects in the pipeline for the rest of the year, but for now, let's just go to sleep (before 0030 every weekday night). Just wish me luck.

Quiz: The 5 Love Languages

Damn, I am not surprised. -_-

The Five Love Languages

My primary love languages are probably
Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		7
Physical Touch:		6
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz

Carpe Diem

I learn of this phrase while in high school - from my English Literature class and again from my class mate who was rather into the Dead Poets Society - erm, Ethan Hawke I mean. I learnt it, I know it, but I have yet to practice this day-to-day. And that's what I need to appreciate and enjoy my everyday. Carpe diem is:

Latin for "pluck the day". It is also a term often used in navies as an expression of goodwill. The phrase is metaphorically translated into English as "seize the day".

Robin Williams' character as a teacher of a boys' boarding school in the film Dead Poets Society uses it:

"But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? — Carpe — hear it? —
Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

********

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time
by Robert Herrick

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

photos: roof-top bars

View from a popular roof loof top bar... The nicest things of these pictures was that they were taken on a weekday. The feeling of seeing the sun set on a workday is precious.

me: Kisses from my client

It has been very eventful day this year and each memory brings a little smile now. I'll share one of them here -

I had kisses from my client first thing this morning. Not one, not two... We are talking about a lot a lot of declicious little kisses. The naughtiest thing - I had to share them with my colleagues too. *g

THREE bags full of kisses I lugged back to office - enough for everyone, including you. So Happy Valentine's day too!

Anticipation

It was a ~US$6m lottery draw – the biggest of the year.

It was purely incidental that I was consulting with my fortune teller on the same week. In midst of the reading she interrupted her own sentence to “gift” me with some numbers. I bought those numbers and then some again. Strange how omens are simply innocuous incidences that take prophetic proportions only when one wants them to. So I interpreted everything in my own way while waiting for the draw.

If this was a novel or a play script, I would then get into all sorts of situations while believing that as the future winner of the lottery, all will be resolved in 72 hours. (Un)fortunately, my feet were firmly planted on the ground then. Or as some would know me better, then I must confess that work and other distractions have kept me so occupied that I did not manage to get into other adequate mischief for a decent play script.

However, I was in anticipation the whole time. In fact, I had been so excited over the lottery, I talked about it to my colleagues, to friends, family and even cab drivers. There were so much waiting for me out there – now if only I could win the lottery! Or if only a bag of (real) money will fall off the edge of the sky and into my arms. Anything is possible when one is anticipaying.

Anticipation is such a strong feeling of hope and despair which swings you and still fills you up completely.

The draw date came and went. I asked everyone I knew who bought numbers how they had fared. There were no positive responses at all. I was secretly elated. If no one else about me struck then it had to be me! After all, the pool of good luck is universally shared.

I still did not check the numbers. The anticipation and the expectation have mutated and I could not face its reality. The visualization fulfills me much better than the realization – and so I basked in that - like the so many difficult choices I have made in life so far.

I finally checked the numbers 20 minutes ago. Nothing has changed – except for a new void created by the dissipation of the pseudo joy which anticipation brought.

This somehow takes on a whole Steinbeck novel kind of quality.

The paradox of time

Why does it pass so slow within a day but so fast within a lifetime? 525,600 minutes and already we are 44,600 down.

So why is the countdown of another 90 till 1730 so painful now?

If you say everything is on a relative basis, then please come closer to the monitor screen now.

I want to punch your nose.

me: the ultimate dream job

I went through some of my email archives this afternoon and came across the following email reply from the National Geographic Society. I was 18 then and at one of the key crossroads in life. I had bravely asked them what does it take to be one of theirs as a writer or a photo-journalist.

Despite their detailed and good-willed advice, I now remain as far as I have even been in taking the necessary steps to be part of them. Yet till date, I still deeply respect this organisation for its ideals and the work it accomplishes. It will remain my deepest honour to one day work or contribute to its signature "yellow frame" in any smallest way -

As a by thought, do you think Michael Yamashita needs a companion/ assistant or something anytime soon?

********
December 27, 1999

[My name…]

[My name…]@hotmail.com

Thank you for contacting the National Geographic Society.

Vacancies on our editorial staff are few and usually filled by men and women who have had quite a few years of experience in the newspaper or magazine publishing fields. In preparation for such work, many of our writers have made a thorough study of the sciences, journalism, and English, and in some cases have knowledge of several languages. A solid academic background and a proven record of success in one's chosen field are most important. However, because we

Cannot know a person's particular talents nor assure employment after a Completed course, we do not encourage gearing a career or educational program specifically toward employment by the Society.

The Dow Jones Newspaper Fund publishes two booklets for aspiring writers: "Journalist's Road to Success" ($3), and "Newspapers, Diversity and You" (free). These outline college journalism programs, recommended courses of study for journalism majors and sources of scholarships and other financial aid.

They also offer advice on applying for media jobs and mapping out a career path. In addition, the Fund sponsors the Editing Internship Program for college juniors, seniors, and graduate students. The address for the Fund is Box 300, Princeton, New Jersey 08543; telephone 1-800-DOW-FUND or 1-609-452-2820; fax: 1-609-520-5804; e-mail: newsfund@wsj.dowjones.com; website:
www.dowjones.com/newsfund

Another good source of career information is the American Society of Magazine Editors, which each year sponsors forty to fifty summer internships for college juniors preparing to work in the field of journalism. Announcements concerning the program are sent to departments of journalism or English in schools throughout the United States. The address for the American Society of Magazine Editors is 919 Third Avenue, New York, New York 10022; the telephone number is 1-212-872-3700.

Our photographers have educational backgrounds in a variety of disciplines. Most majored in subjects other than photography, although all took photography courses along the way. Our editors and photographers agree that it is important to complete a degree in a discipline other than photography. The most common majors were journalism, anthropology, sociology or psychology, the fine arts, and the natural or life sciences.

From the magazine’s viewpoint, we seek balance and an eclectic blend of interest, abilities, and photographic styles in the freelance photographers we utilize. All of our photographers are driven by a curiosity and desire to share what they find with others. They are able to work comfortably and intimately with people in a variety of situations.

In a stylistic sense, the type of photography for which we most often look might be described as a classic Magnum style. That is, images which work on various levels; images which the viewer can study for a period of time, constantly discovering new insights.

We also desire photographers who possess an extraordinary ability to portray physical geography. What is most often overlooked by photographers submitting work to us is that we also value highly the ability to portray, in an extraordinary fashion, social geography as well.

It is also true that the difficulty for a photographer attempting to break into the Magazine is, quite simply, that the competition for our assignments is especially keen. Desire and drive count, but professional photography is a competitive business, and for every successful photographer there are dozens looking for work. Training can only help to fine-tune a natural eye, and although a prospective photographer may have a true passion for the art and craft, if he lacks that eye no amount of training or desire can compensate.

Many people must be content to be advanced amateurs rather than professionals. We are, I suppose, in the enviable position of being able to select from the world’s best photojournalists. The fact is that the majority of our assignments go to the relatively select cadre of staff, contract, and freelance photographers.

Normally, our freelance photographers have at least five to ten years’ experience as photographers with other publications before coming to us. Some come as photojournalists from newspapers or magazines. Others come out of different specializations such as wildlife, underwater, nature, or aerial photography.

We provide one internship in photography each year. The intern is chosen based on portfolios we receive. Portfolios may be in the form of slides, prints, clippings, or any combination, in color and/or black and white. The GEOGRAPHIC discourages sending large and elaborate packages or oversized prints.

Applicants should concentrate on content, professionalism, and journalism not salesmanship. Work should demonstrate technical proficiency, lighting skills, and ability to interact effectively with subjects. Send materials to: Susan Smith, Associate Director of Photography, National Geographic Society, 1145 17^th Street, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036. Portfolios and supporting documents are only accepted between December 1st and January 31st. All applicants receive notification by early March.

You may be interested in taking a look at our August 1995 issue of National Geographic, which contains an article entitled “National Geographic Photographers.’ You also may be interested in our books on photography. Please visit our online index for a listing. (Use as your search term.) The index is at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/publications

Our website includes quite a bit of information on our photographers as well.
You can find it at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/media/photography

There is no academic affiliation that will guarantee you a job in either field at the Society, but I hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,
CL Str0ud
Research Correspondence

me: 4 to 24 and now almost 25

Aside from the wind, puddles must be the next best thing during a rain pour.

There are some things which cannot be outgrown. Barefooted, in slippers and then now in ankle high stiletto boots, I enjoy them still. Splash, splash and SPLASH…

Just to share that it has been proven that if a large enough splash is made in a shallow puddle, one’s feet actually remain drier than your companion’s who was unfortunate to be walking right next to you.

Splash, splash and SPLASH…

me: Hostage

Held hostage by my client today.

I was just going about my daily grind and I required some information that is only retrievable from my client’s computers. And so off I went to their office. In consideration of the current tension between my managers, bosses and the client, I made it quite clear to all parties before leaving to the client's office that I am only an executor and not a decision-maker of the project today and till forever.

*********

Snippets of conversation with my client at their office -

Me: (hard at work; hunched in front of the computer screen)

Client: (slams phone down after heated discussion with my manager)… So… How is Mr. XYZ as your manager? Is he always like this?

Me: (dazed; mumbling] ... The time line is really tight now, we are focusing on getting as much of the […] done within this week as possible

Client: So what’s your schedule like tomorrow?

Me: (mumbling; non-committal) Well, I might have some […] to do tomorrow, but that I would have to confirm because these […] are very crucial to our project

Client: But there are no […] as far as you know now right? So you will available at 3pm tomorrow?

Me: (firm) No as I know of yet, but I will have to confirm when I return to the office later.

Client: (back on the phone with my manager) [My name] can make it for the meeting tomorrow. I do not care if any one else is coming but she is… That is good enough.

Me: (jaw drops) … …

*********

Should I even thank my lucky stars that my managers did not respond in the following manner:

“Sure thing! We will just send [My name] alone to face off your team of 4-6 tomorrow then. If possible, we would appreciate if you could at least send us back the larger remaining pieces of [my name] by the end of the day. Her parents will be greatly comforted.”

Lucky charms

Bought a four-leaf clover handphone pendent yesterday. At about US$16, I am trying to figure out the returns of every good luck event it brings about. If you had to pay for good luck, how much would you be willing and able to pay?

It took about a good 10 mins to buy the lucky charm yesterday. And we were already late for the movie then. Interestingly, the movie did not start until about 10 mins after we were settled into the cushy seats of the theatre. See - the charm works already. Talk about effective and immediate services!

So, what's your good luck charm?

Strength

Referenced from a distant friend's blog. He sometimes draw comfort and new strength from these verses. I relate perfectly to this for sometimes - and just sometimes - I just want to curl up in utter denial of reality. Sometimes I escape into artificial worlds, alcohol-laced-with-too-loud-music. Sometimes I just simply lose it. These verses say these sometimes are okay because "[we] are strong. We have proven that."

Strength
We don't always have to be strong to be strong.
Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.
Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self- doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.
Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas.
Sometimes, we cry in front of people.
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that.
Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Do these words reach you too?

me: Favourite weather

The wind just before the onset of a long storm is my favourite weather moment. The skies are usually a shade of mild grey – indicating a sudden tropical storm; or else a hue of angry reddish grey – a malicious storm which had been brewing and ready to unleash its worst.

My old house by the sea is a natural stage to watch a storm come in. We have a wide balcony along the whole length of the house which gives a panoramic view of the sea. I have had many moments in my old house but those involving the winds riding upon the oncoming storms are most impacting.

The storm sequence is always the same, but as the drama unfolds, the strong sense of awe never fails to overwhelm me every time.

The colour of the skies and seas changes from bright blue to an angry red over the course of the day and the temperature noticeably drops. These happen as quickly as in the wink of the eye or may sneak up unnoticed on lazy Sunday afternoons. Sometimes these warnings are just false alarms. But the onset of the storm winds is always indicative and heralds the incoming storm.

The storm winds are fierce and howling – forcing themselves into every nook and cranny of the old house. They are not meek at all and will fill the house with shrill whistles and howls. They are may be invisible to the naked eye, but their presence is not missed as they slam the doors hard and without warning or dance with stray papers in the middle of the living room. They can even hurt you if you have your fingers caught between the door and its frame.

Once there was a blackout in midst of a storm itself – the entire house was cast in darkness of a reddish hue and flashes of lighting lit the house periodically. The winds filled the house entirely and called it their own. A glimpse of what hell may be. I was home alone and huddled in the arms of our then domestic worker – both of us trying not to whimper out aloud. Two lost children. I was probably not of 8 years old then.

Anyway, it has been raining the whole weekend now.

If I am in my old house now, I would, as if I was in a theatre, snuggle up on the deck chair in the balcony, with a cup of piping milk tea and enjoy nature at her most primal.

On a side note: As much as I would like to keep every posting focused to one topic, I do have too many thoughts running amok in my mind.

I miss my old house very much. But can we handle the memories if we moved back? It carries the happiest and most painful moments for both entire my family and I.

Well, hello now 2006

It has only been about 72 hours into the new year and yet it has started differently than most others. 2005 slipped off in a rather quiet manner with some of my closest friends – New Year eve’s dinner was street-side chicken rice (I had Italian gourmet once); then it was into a smoke-free Irish pub –side note: ain’t that an oxymoron - (no carousing along the streets); then it was down to the beach for 15 minutes of countdown (no sparklers) and finally back at the hawker stores (no cab problems) again.

No hang over on the first day of the new year. I even managed to have a rather harmonious lunch with my family of four at a steak restaurant – 6 weeks of steak craving finally quieted. Did a bit of personal grooming and I think this advertisement applies pretty well to me now.

If you have to know, my hair is also a dark tinge of purple too!

Ran ~an hour on the second day of 2006 – it was a good run to the beach and it rained again. The rest of the day was filled with distractions. Unhealthy but enjoyable – like other vices in life to be taken in moderation and caution.

In a very non-usual manner, no new year resolutions have been set yet. There are some things which I would like to complete in one way or another. Perhaps that’s why we have another (Chinese) New Year coming up in 3 weeks time for procrastinators, like myself, to straighten out the rest of the year again.

Goodbye 2005 – though it has been eventful and fulfilling year, I am glad to be done with it finally.

On a side note, I would like to declare that relationships are complicated businesses. We ought to be married at birth. This would leave us as healthier and more functional adults now so that we are able to focus on winning the next Nobel peace prize or whatever else it takes to save the world.