travel: Hanoi, VN - 22-27 Dec

Retrospective post: While I took some time to select the photos, the period after this trip was such a mad rush that I did not quite have the time to settle my thoughts into this blog.

The whole trip was quite a throw back to my student days and it was enjoyable walking around town with 2 good-looking decent boys; a backpack, a map, sandels and a good sense of adventure. We even got to spend Christmas together - the eve was spent overnight on a boat in the middle of Hunglong Bay. Talking with a beer, under the stars, talking to strangers, sharing your life and wild stories and we pass them all by.

It was a time of what-ifs during the trip and it is an irony as I am posting this, I am living the decisions made then. The decisions have not proven too bad as now ;)

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Flowers for sale in a mobile way. I kinda took several photos of this and earned myself a couple of stares as well. "Like haven't you damn tourists seen flowers before?!"Communism for sale in an arty way. While many communist countries are embracing some form of capitalism one way or another, the former propaganda materials and the colours red and yellow are still (superficially) respected. But here, it is art and that sells for 100 times the price of old goods. Chinese Junkboats in Hunglong Bay on Christmas eve. Tell me this looks like a picture from a movie set or something found in Hong Kong like 30-50 years ago

VN is the land of 2 wheel traffic. Bicycles and motorcycles. Cars are for whimps only. So naturally taxis are found mostly as 2 wheels only. What is it like to put your life in another's hands? I held on to that fella for life - he freaked out more than I did.

M0S

Within a week of opening, I had been to M0S twice already. That is more times which I have been to Zouk in the whole of this year. Contrary to popular (mis)belief, I am no party animal. But yes, I like M0S a lot.

Gadgets

Sonyericsson k750i (white): A new toy for 2006; not exactly brand-new. Second-hand, but as good as new. New technology platform again. Enough of Korean brands for a while.

New toys = new peripherials as well. More shopping and pictures coming up. This toy has 2.0 mega pixel camera - we are going to see more images on this blog soon.

me: My body and I

Exercising has made me more aware of my body – its potential and limitations. I used to think if one was not an athlete then it is likely that there will be very little physical activities that one should be doing. So I have surprised myself and my body into some strange situations this year.

Despite all these exercising, I do not trust my body as much yet. The mind still retains the label that if one is an anti-social nerd who enjoys books, then I cannot be so much of a jock as well. Therefore I will most probably be the girl who will drop the ball before passing it off to the next. By the way, that is a true memory from my adolescence.

Last Saturday, was the first time I swam at the sea. Gee. It was not even the open-seas – just the barricaded portion of a local beach. It was ~3m deep and a single lap was only 400m. I swam out with two fellow swimmers and then, off we went in one straight file. It has been some time since I last swam seriously. I cannot see the seabed, hell; I could not even see my feet. I cannot see my hands in front of my face. I cannot see the finishing point. The water was murky and suddenly a piece of evil seaweed floats past my face. What if I feel something pulling at my legs? What about those Faces? – in the scene as Frodo crosses the Dead Marshes - "They lie in all the pools, pale faces, deep deep under the dark water. I saw them: grim faces and evil, and noble faces and sad. Many faces proud and fair, and weeds in their silver hair. But all foul, all rotting. A fell light is in them."

Then I started the feel the sea lice nibbles everywhere – arugh – are those jellyfish stings?

Frankly, I freaked (edit: understatement of the day). To quote a fellow swimmer, I “looked quite flappy” then. My limbs simply refused to swim any further; I could hardly trap water properly to keep myself afloat. I did not even think I could swim back ashore then – I just want to make a mad scramble for the nearest fixed object. I did not have the confidence in my body to take the swim, knowing that there is no rest point, or quick escape until the 800m is over. Thank goodness for friends.

They came back for me and swam alongside me. But we abandoned the swim at 400m as the sea lice stings were too many and too painful. Of course, being me, I developed an allergic reaction against them. So add that to jasmine flowers which I should avoid. Fortunately, they subsided after my run and the 2 cold showers in between.

I underestimated my body then.

But yesterday, I overestimated my body and went for 2 yoga classes back-to-back. 2.5h of body contortions - not to mention that the final class was Astanga II. I laid in Savasana (corpse pose) for final 30 minutes. -_-. My arms and legs are jello today.

me: Don’t judge me

I have never been officially diagnosed, nor will I want to be. I doubt I really have ADD but sometimes the number of traits I exhibit, my experiences and thoughts… well, it all just adds up a little too nicely. But women's ADD should not be stereotyped similarly to the more recognized form of ADD found in men.

Found a weblog today which focuses a lot from material drawn from a book - “Driven to Distraction”-
The splintered mind
Living with ADD

me: Gee. Deep thoughts for a Friday morning.

What I used to keep close to my heart, I am ready to share openly today. Strange how I used to let this darkness constrain my life and the person who I am. Ironical, how this secrecy has led to less happiness and the current position which I am at today. It is as if I have come full circle and back to nothingness at all.

I have new secrets now. But why cannot I enjoy the “moment” - who cares enough to remember what I did and to judge me? Why does their judgment matter when there is nothing which I am answerable to them? Does it simply boil down to my deep-seated insecurity? If no one knows about it, it does not matter if I fail? And after the event is over, I can look back and said “Yea, been there, done that and resolved/ ignored”? So I judge myself before everyone else can?

Woke up eerily early this morning with the intention of going for yoga class - Nowadays I feel very uncomfortable if I am not disciplined with my body – this includes the all exercising, the food and the sleep. In fact, I am get physically ill after “hawker feasts” which I used to enjoy. Perhaps this is part of the entire change regime which I am currently undergoing so do throw in the reading of Chinese (for leisure), the quitting of nicotine and caffeine etc. How long will this last?

So, I did not go for yoga class this morning - for several reasons including the comfort taken that I will run tomorrow morning; that I seem to be on a verge of a flu etc. Excuses! I think I am experiencing fatigue – “Fatigue is the state of feeling very tired, weary or sleepy resulting from insufficient sleep, prolonged mental or physical work, or extended periods of stress or anxiety. Boring or repetitive tasks can intensify feelings of fatigue.”

Suddenly I want to stop running, I want to stop waking up in the mornings and just curl up in a dark closet somewhere. I need to break this cycle.

Revitalise me! I remember that in the game – Sims, there is this hack game item known as the rejuvenator. Where do I find one of these things in our real world?

I am tired of being tired.

me: Some friends…

There were little negotiations on this, but our friendship has been optimized at a minimum average of ~24 hours per annum (ie. for the entire duration of this friendship). Just so that she does not fail the abovementioned clause, I’ll be generous to include the times which I traveled to Malaysia to meet her as well. But with 11 years of friendship and more than 5 of them being in different continents, we are still best friends today. Considering the depth, range and “bimbo-ness” of today and how much lighter my shoulders now feel - there is absolutely no doubt on this conclusion.

me: Caught in the moment

Last night was probably both my first and last Z0uk0ut. Other than being one of the most overdressed individual on site, the overall experience was rather prosaic. This may be due to several factors such as the lack of drugs, difficult access to alcohol, high security presence and the conspicuous absence of the sexier and lither foreigners. Only one take-away for just the briefest moment, I experienced EXHILARATION.

define:exhilaration. Close your eyes and put yourself with me. You are: High and moving fast – as one with us, the crowd. The sharp, coloured lasers shoots right into the brain and the music thumps in sync with the heart. The sand crumbles between the toes. We are in the vortex of the howling wind; under the red, stormy skies. And so we moved. Then the barriers between the arena and the sea collapse completely. Confinement only remains in the mind. The wind realizes; breaks-free. Picks up further and is merciless. Whipping sand, salt and the promise of freedom into the faces. The heavens opened and still, we kept on moving.

me: Lookin' back at 2005

Just bought the planner for 2006 and doing the usual such as transferring the birthdays, goals and back-burner ideas. It is tedious, but until I have a micro-computer physically implanted in me, I am a pen and paper girl. With so many more new cards this year, the number of passwords has increased two-fold. Already, I have sent out several forms this week to report loss of passwords - this is not a good sign.

2006 is rushing upon us and I am scared. The days in December are like a blur because days and minutes do not matter. There are 6 milestones to mark the beginnings and the ends of Dec - the 4 of them are about the men in my life, the anniversary and then the eve. 08, 10, 12, 26x2 and 31 Dec. Nothing else in between is remembered or impactful.

2005 (at age of 24) is another coming-of-age year. The usual ages whereby rites of passage are ordained occurs at 16, 18, 21 and so on. The word late-bloomer comes to mind as I think of this - 17: I recogised my parents and family for who they are and what they mean to me; 19, 20 and 21: I recogised my other peers out there who are simultaneously worse and better off than I, where though we are of the same age, our survival matrix are so differently calibrated; 17, 20, 24: I learn and experience love and other related feelings and events. 23: Catapulted from carefreeness, idealism to pragmatism and materialism - the working world is not kind.

2005 has given so much to look back and reflect back on - the places that I have been, the people that I have met and the person that I now am. It has also been a year of many "firsts" - these range from momentous to minuteness; some have been documented, some shared and some I have tinges of regrets over. Perhaps with a little help from family and friends, sadness, depression, apathy and other negative emotions are manageable. I struggle most with regret as there is so much potential in the other "what-ifs". There is no limit to this and dreams of the possibilities are always much sweeter than the reality of what has occurred. Under all my surface pragmatism, as all those close to me would know, I am a very good and fantastical dreamer (as a by note, in the resume, this "head-in-the-cloud" syndrome is euphemistically expressed as "strong lateral and creative thinker")

-Was Du erlebt, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben -
What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you- Viktor E. Frankl

A powerful quote which I am drawing strength from. No matter what has happened, there is no regrets, because everything which I have experienced is unique and "kann kein Macht der Welt [Mir] rauben". For better or worse, these experiences have shaped the unique individual I am today, and it is MINE. Nothing can replicate or return these to me in any form and because I love myself as this unique individual - I can have no regrets. But enlightenment does not mean that I can feel this way everyday. Sometimes, when the skies are just a tad grey for a little too long, or when the waters are just a little too blue or sunrise too beautiful etc, negative feelings do creep up.

I want to write more about 2005, but 2006 is rushing upon all of us and no one drives with the eyes on the rear-view mirror only.

I cannot conclude this post as the story is still going on strong into the far future. It has been a great year - not perfect, but definitely not wasted. Some things could have been done in a better way, but regrets do not change history. Regrets can only be transformed as guidance for the future - and this, I can and will change.

me: One of those days...

Rule: Fill in the blanks with any fill any approperiate verbs:
"I'd rather be _____ing than WORKING"

Some choice verbs suggested by a, particulary sassy bitchy, girlfriend of mine are: (a) sleep, (b) eat, (c) shop, (d) club, (e) f*ck. I'll throw in another two final options - (f) All of the above and (g) others: ________.

Just to get this day over and done with, I am off to bed now. Tomorrow is going to be better than any of today. It had better be.

Marathon: blue blue skies

Marathon: blue blue skies
Originally uploaded by moodyax.

In case you do not know my flickr account, I have posted one of the several photos of that eventful day. I had been looking forward to joining the half-marathon in Hong Kong come Feb 2006, but can you believe that registeration has closed for the long distances but not the shorter one? Oh my. I need a new challenge, but am I up to 42km next year? How much more can I shave from 2.34 esp. since I am a long haul and not a speed runner? 5-6 hours of running -_- I need to consider this very very carefully

me: 21.1km - I did it!

I want to say more, esp. on how accomplished I feel (in the last 24 years of my life) - but I am exhausted now . But I have updated my flickr account and I think a picture captures a thousand words. Will update again, or not. But this is definately a highlight of 2005 and my life so far.

note: My bed is elavated; I am not looking forward to climbing up, and worst still, climbing down tomorrow morning. -_-

me: I actually concur with this

Get to know yourself better
http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Zits: Latte Venti

Zits: Latte Venti
Originally uploaded by moodyax.

One of my favourite comic strips. These are for the days when one cup of coffee is not enough. I have a feeling tomorrow will be one of those days.

The Man Booker Prize Long List 2005

The Man Booker Prize Long List Aug 11, 2005:
Independent, The; London (UK)
Telegraph, The; London (UK

'The Harmony Silk Factory' by Tash Aw (Fourth Estate)
In his first novel, Aw weaves the story of Johnny Lim, a cloth merchant, criminal and clandestine Communist in 1940s Malaysia, who rose by nefarious means from obscure peasant origins to become the richest man in the valley. The narrative is conveyed by the voices of Lim's family and friends.

'The Sea' by John Banville (Picador)
Max Morden, an ageing alcoholic, returns to the Irish resort where he spent a memorable childhood holiday 50 years before. Recently bereaved by the loss of his wife, Anna, Morden immerses himself in the memory of the earlier visit to Ballyless as an 11- year-old, when he fell in love with an entire family.

'Arthur & George' by Julian Barnes (Jonathan Cape)
Barnes brings to life the case of George Edali, sentenced to seven years' hard labour as the convicted sender of hate mail to his Indian father and Scottish mother. His cause is taken up by the writer Arthur Conan Doyle, who attempts to clear his name while suffering his own emotional turmoil.

'A Long, Long Way' by Sebastian Barry (Faber & Faber)
It is 1916 and Willie Dunne is a volunteer with the Dublin Fusiliers enduring the brutality of the battlefield in Flanders. On leave in Dublin, he faces the Easter Rising. The son of a Catholic policeman and loyalist, Dunne and fellow Irish soldiers are seen as traitors by nationalists and distrusted by the English.

'Slow Man' by J M Coetzee (Secker & Warburg)
Coetzee has already won the Booker Prize twice, in 1983 and 1999, as well as being awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 2003. In Slow Man, Paul Rayment has his leg amputated after an accident. He hires a nurse, Marijana, and becomes increasingly drawn to her and her handsome teenage son.

'In The Fold' by Rachel Cusk (Faber & Faber)
In her fifth novel, the award-winning Cusk, named one of Granta's Best of Young British novelists in 2003, deals with marriage, friendship, family and morality. Michael is married to Rebecca, but their partnership is threatened by her self-doubt. He has to look back at his youthful judgements.

'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro (Faber & Faber)
The children of Hailsham have no parents and are destined to have no children of their own. The sinister truth is that they have been bred as 'donors', eventually to surrender their vital organs. The story is narrated by one of the pupils, Kathy, who has become a carer, who spends her time between 'recovery centres', where she helps donors not to die, but to 'complete'.

'All For Love' by Dan Jacobson (Hamish Hamilton)
Based on the real story of Louise, younger daughter of King Leopold II of Belgium, Jacobson's novel recreates an elopement that scandalised Viennese society at the end of the 19th century. Married to a Hapsburg prince, Princess Louise had an affair with a soldier who claimed to be a Croatian count, Lieutenant Mattachich. They ended up in prison and a madhouse.

'A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian' by Marina Lewycka (Viking)
Sisters Nadezhda and Vera were brought up in England by their Ukrainian refugee parents, but have not spoken to one another for years. They are reconciled after their mother's death when their father, who is working on a grand history of the tractor, becomes romantically entangled with a pneumatic young blonde woman, who is clearly after his wealth.

'Beyond Black' by Hilary Mantel (Fourth Estate)
Mantel's tenth novel revolves around Alison Hart, a medium from Slough, who tours with her assistant Colette, showcasing her psychic powers to mainly female audiences. Partly inspired by the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the book takes a wry look at Britain in the 21st century, where the inhabitants of housing estates worry about immigration and Gypsies.

'Saturday' by Ian McEwan (Jonathan Cape)
McEwan's novel is set on 15 February 2003, the day Britain took to the streets of the capital in protest against the impending war in Iraq. But the action is away from the march when neurosurgeon Henry Perowne is in a minor car crash. His encounter with the other driver, Baxter, whom he diagnoses as having Hunting-ton's disease, has fateful consequences.

'The People's Act of Love' by James Meek (Canongate)
Siberia 1919, and the Czech Legion, which fought for the beaten Whites against the Red Army, are stranded in a small village made stranger by the practice of shamanism and a Christian sect led by the enigmatic Balashov. Into this setting Meek brings escaped criminal Samarin and war widow, Anna Petrovna.

'Shalimar The Clown' by Salman Rushdie (Jonathan Cape)
The book opens in LA in 1991, when Maximilian Ophuls, former US ambassador to India, is killed at his illegitimate daughter's house by his Kashmiri Muslim driver, who calls himself Shalimar The Clown. What appears to be a political assassination is revealed to be a passionately personal murder.

'The Accidental' by Ali Smith (Hamish Hamilton)
Smith's first full-length novel, is drawn from Pier Pasolini's film Theorem, starring a youthful Terence Stamp. In the film, the beautiful young man entrances a bourgeois family. In the novel, a young woman, Amber, brings turmoil into the family home of an English literature lecturer.

'On Beauty' by Zadie Smith (Hamish Hamilton)
In her third novel, the author of White Teeth and The Autograph Man tells the story of two academic families, the Belseys and the Kipps, who are brought together despite their differences. Smith's social comedy deals with themes of love, sex, race, class and belief systems.

'This Thing of Darkness' by Harry Thompson (Headline)
In his epic novel, Thompson tells the story of the voyages of the Beagle, its captain Robert Fitzroy and most famous passenger, Charles Darwin. Fitzroy was a devout Christian searching for geological evidence to back up the Old Testament. Darwin, though a minor cleric at the time, had other ideas.

'This is the Country' by William Wall (Hodder & Stoughton)
An Irish teenager is heading for trouble, dabbling with drugs and the criminal underworld. His life is changed when he falls for Pat Baker's sister. When she becomes pregnant, Pat breaks his legs. Set against the backdrop of a gritty, modern Ireland, it is a darkly comic tale of survival against the odds.

me: why do i even bother blogging

Wow. I did it again. I wiped out everything on my other blog and started it out again. I am simultaneously quite amazed and disgusted with myself. It is almost as if I am ashamed of my previous lives but I am starting to think that I have wiped the slate clean one too many times already!

A half-year in review:
1. Travel - Embarked on several work related overseas trips; of which the first one started in March to Thailand. Several exciting new cities I visted include some key cities in China such as Beijing, Nanjing, Ningbo and Kunming. I also spent almost 5 weeks in Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur

2. Work - (a) Promotion! (b) Leading new projects with juniors to order around. (c) A slightly more decent income so much so that I can now at least apply for my own credit card!

3. Family life - Finally, a household of working adults. We are also realising the importance of staying together so we are thinking of renting a new house within the same estate for my brother and I. So perhaps - some personal space at last? Grannies are still doing wonderfully, and that is more than I can ask for in this aspect these days.

4. Personal life - Am still developing that core of 16 friends - perhaps I can truly only count on 10 of them. With some little faith, perhaps I can push that count up to 14, but I am still working on it. My love life is in shambles, and the worse part is - I am now willing to walk away from it all. This is not going to be pretty, but the worst is yet to come.

5. Health - I quit. I think. On another note, I also have personally committed myself for about 3 events this year including the Terryf0x, the vertical marathon and the SC marathon 2005.

... the rest of the year looks pretty good still, but the usual deep sense of "lost", misguidance and the lack of purpose, strength and meaning are all creeping in on me. There are so much to do - such as to study again - study what?; to love again - love who?; to join my parents in business etc. More of such useless musings another day..

Meanwhile I am embarking on several new projects and one of them involves me packing my room again. Every year, 3 times a year I go into this craziness - how can I ever make this less painful than it should?

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