me: Lookin' back at 2005

Just bought the planner for 2006 and doing the usual such as transferring the birthdays, goals and back-burner ideas. It is tedious, but until I have a micro-computer physically implanted in me, I am a pen and paper girl. With so many more new cards this year, the number of passwords has increased two-fold. Already, I have sent out several forms this week to report loss of passwords - this is not a good sign.

2006 is rushing upon us and I am scared. The days in December are like a blur because days and minutes do not matter. There are 6 milestones to mark the beginnings and the ends of Dec - the 4 of them are about the men in my life, the anniversary and then the eve. 08, 10, 12, 26x2 and 31 Dec. Nothing else in between is remembered or impactful.

2005 (at age of 24) is another coming-of-age year. The usual ages whereby rites of passage are ordained occurs at 16, 18, 21 and so on. The word late-bloomer comes to mind as I think of this - 17: I recogised my parents and family for who they are and what they mean to me; 19, 20 and 21: I recogised my other peers out there who are simultaneously worse and better off than I, where though we are of the same age, our survival matrix are so differently calibrated; 17, 20, 24: I learn and experience love and other related feelings and events. 23: Catapulted from carefreeness, idealism to pragmatism and materialism - the working world is not kind.

2005 has given so much to look back and reflect back on - the places that I have been, the people that I have met and the person that I now am. It has also been a year of many "firsts" - these range from momentous to minuteness; some have been documented, some shared and some I have tinges of regrets over. Perhaps with a little help from family and friends, sadness, depression, apathy and other negative emotions are manageable. I struggle most with regret as there is so much potential in the other "what-ifs". There is no limit to this and dreams of the possibilities are always much sweeter than the reality of what has occurred. Under all my surface pragmatism, as all those close to me would know, I am a very good and fantastical dreamer (as a by note, in the resume, this "head-in-the-cloud" syndrome is euphemistically expressed as "strong lateral and creative thinker")

-Was Du erlebt, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben -
What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you- Viktor E. Frankl

A powerful quote which I am drawing strength from. No matter what has happened, there is no regrets, because everything which I have experienced is unique and "kann kein Macht der Welt [Mir] rauben". For better or worse, these experiences have shaped the unique individual I am today, and it is MINE. Nothing can replicate or return these to me in any form and because I love myself as this unique individual - I can have no regrets. But enlightenment does not mean that I can feel this way everyday. Sometimes, when the skies are just a tad grey for a little too long, or when the waters are just a little too blue or sunrise too beautiful etc, negative feelings do creep up.

I want to write more about 2005, but 2006 is rushing upon all of us and no one drives with the eyes on the rear-view mirror only.

I cannot conclude this post as the story is still going on strong into the far future. It has been a great year - not perfect, but definitely not wasted. Some things could have been done in a better way, but regrets do not change history. Regrets can only be transformed as guidance for the future - and this, I can and will change.